We have compiled here some excerpts from "How you get, what you want". You can expect an exciting, humorous written book that will surprise you in many places.

How people probably think Non-functional

Mell we all wish to have a counterpart that thinks the way we would like. Right here, is however, the crux of the matter! How a man really thinks, usually to a large extent eludes our knowledge. Many people, even frankly acknowledge that they do not even really know what makes them tick and "think". Whereas we can apparently discern, how someone thinks, when he tells us something, we can however not tell as to whether he really thinks the same way? He may at the moment be drawing the wrong associations to his own thoughts, due to having forgotten something significant? He may however not actually know it or may not want to admit it out of shame? Finally there is also the question of honesty. Maybe he is just lying due to a good or less good reason whatsoever? This leads us to the next question: Why is he then lying?


Lets take the example of an employee who is not properly functioning, this means he in one way or another either does not fulfill his duties or accomplish his designated workload. The classically trained, sympathetic human resource manager will probably look for all possible causes.

His failure could be attributed to thousands of psychic reasons. He may have perhaps had a really "bad" childhood. His parents may have not really loved him. He may have been a result of an "accident"and his parents indirectly always blamed for his existence ...
Or the employee is actually gay, but has never wanted to make a coming-out and now increasing suffers under pressure the from his classy social life companion, who forces him to more regular sex ". Perhaps he was forced to wear women's clothes as a child because the parents desperately wanted a daughter. It can also not be ruled out that he was regularly beaten to know accord. He may suffer from many other "childhood trauma", maybe he was forced to swim subsequent to a brutal throw into the water or had to take cold showers in winter ... or ...

But you know what?
Perhaps he simply had a bad day!?

IT IS NOT KNOWN TO US! And he will probably not tell us, and if at all, we will never know whether he's lying. Why should he also make an outing of himself to us? Just because we ask him to? Just because we "are his superiors"? Would you keep rubbing the nose of any of your superiors on it? Show your weaknesses; so to speak leave your most vulnerable flank open?

So, please disregard avoidable, psychological backgrounds, when communicating. I would even go so far to again recommend that you completely do not involve your psychological knowledge or insufficient knowledge with respect to communication. The likelihood that you are with your speculation simply on the wrong track with respect to psychological backgrounds is probably as high as the relapse rate of allegedly healed, violent child molesters that due to psychological or psychiatric reports are again released on mankind.

You see that one immediately fall into a vicious circle goes when one tries to descend into the "deepest depths" of his counterpart's world of thought.

We simply do not make any progress, when we concentrate on finding out why the other thinks of something or why he thinks that way he thinks.
If we want to influence a person however in an intelligent and effective way, we need to focus on what the intended behavior is intended to achieve. Next we need to observe how he behaves.
I once again remind you of the game of children in a foreign country whose language we do not know. The objective is therefore not focused on changing the way of thinking, but rather the behavior. As soon as we directly try to change the way of thinking, we accomplish exactly the opposite.
We only succeed when we place ourselves above the system, as already stated.
But before we give more examples of this, let us first consider yet another variant of interpersonal communication that is in a class of its own. ...

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The psychologist-lie

M was for the first time in my life provoked with the subject of psychology in the 12th grade in school, if not harassed. My highly valued ethics and philosophy teacher at that time led us through half a semester in to the entire madness of Sigmund Freud and his colleagues. And I must tell you, as a whole it was worth it. I had, as such the necessary basic knowledge, not only to brag with my deeply psychological know-how by long romantic walks along the beach with girls from the class, but I was also quite quickly able to portray the tingly sex subject and its background. Naturally in a purely scientific manner. Granted! A huge advantage.


Well, my reservations about the discipline of psychology, psychoanalysis and psychiatry do not come by accident. I have gathered such tolerable personal experiences with their representatives, whereby the mere volume of incidences continues to amaze me, or is even terrifying. Also without exception, all the reports of many acquaintances that were linked in one way or another to therapists or their sorceries, confirmed again and again the uncertainty of this guild.
One day I decided to put myself "under the mercy" of some highly qualified psychologists and psychiatrists, simply to once again test the underlying basis of all the magic. I thought of an oddity that did not in any way correspond to the reality of my being, in order to present myself as pitiable psycho patient. "I as such came up with idea to explain to the psychological healers that I for years had been massively suffering from the fear of speaking in front of large groups. Large crowds make me afraid to speak to them what my alleged, new job as a lecturer in business economics however now necessitates that subsequently leads to big problems for me, ranging from vomiting to sweating after a presentation". In fact, I can assure you that I have referenced several times to more than a thousand listeners, it gives me great pleasure and I are do not even get wet hands. So much for reality.
So I marched resolutely to several psychologists, psychotherapists and psychiatrists to ask for their help. You can not imagine what I experienced in those meetings, for which I was without any hesitation invoiced a sum of 200 - 600 USD per hour.

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The hot topic "Ex"

Verhaps you know the situation first hand. At some point of time, often at the beginning, when a new relationship is evolving you want to know more about the other, and the issue of the "Ex" comes up. One initially tends to hear only negative things at first, how boring he / she was!, did not take the trouble to care for their partner, was indeed so bad and unimaginative in bed, his/her head was only focused on work or he / she was a liar... In extreme cases, he / she had even cheated on your partner, the scoundrel ... After having heard anything; you shake your head understandingly while feeling a sensation of satisfaction, because you are after all very different. You are the Joker! And logically, the person to whom your partner is referring to was simply the wrong individual. As long as you only listen, all is well. Your spouse swells in (bad) memories and thus confirms indirectly, what a great person you are. Then with you everything will of course be different. For the partner reporting about past relationships, this is also an ideal opportunity to indirectly communicate very clearly and unequivocally to the new partner, what he/she does not like, not find accepted or tolerate. "Imagine, every Sunday he/she went to his/her mother, to eat this stupid cheesecake ..., every Sunday, what a moron ..." So far so good. You listen to it all and learn to evaluate your new partner a little better. But woe to you, should you attempt to confirm the statements of your partner with respect to the behavior of the Ex! Should you dare attempt to make your own criticism with respect to the behavior of the Ex; the attitude of your partner will change very quickly. Suddenly he / she will switch, "Well, it was not all bad. There were beautiful moments, after all, I spent a few years together with the individual... He / she always respected me... "And then when you say," Hmm ... that all just sounded a little different... "It is now that the situation would at the latest escalate, even to a reproach, "to the tune that you do not at all possess the right to judge the life or history of your new partner (what you namely do, when you criticize the Ex), you certainly did not know him/her ...

Do you know that? I thought so! The issue of the "Ex" is always a little tricky. An ex-partner who a few minutes earlier had been depicted as a mega idiot is now suddenly highly stylized as a hero and defended tooth and nail. Who can understand this? For people who are prone to being jealous, the subject of the ex, or the defense of a former relationship may develop in to a real painful problem, even though in most cases, the Ex with certainty represents the weakest of all eligible rivals. There is all over a sudden reason for doubt. What is this then? The explanation is simple...

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Buying a car Subjective

Dertainly not unknown to you are the discussions held with respect to the choice of a car or the various associations made in connection  with the "right" brand, it is rarely the object itself, its nature nor its technology. Very few drivers can actually hold up to a truly technical professional debate. It is more about the qualities we ascribe to our beloved vehicles. Cars themselves are cold, technical objects used as means of transportation. Only subsequent to differences on the emotional level, do these means of transportation evolve into hot explosive subjects and sometimes involve very personal discussions. This issue is particularly interesting when one considers how men and women differ on the theme of attributing values to a car.
Take the example of the young lady who is seeking advice from the friendly, technically ambitious and perfectly educated seller. He essentially portrays the revolutionary technology of the new model with the greatest enthusiasm. Every detail is explained, he is overwhelmed and his sheer enthusiasm for the new technology of the special injection system has no limits. Every innovation, especially in comparison to competing models, is mentioned. During the test drive, he pushes the machine to its limits and presents the car as the current pinnacle of innovative safety and vehicle technology.
When he reached the end of his performance pitch the woman then poses a single question:
"Is this car also available in red? “...

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Women and men differ – in some to great extremes

Dhe seductive would at this point either back the man or the woman. Who actually communicates in a "better" or more intelligent way? Do you have an idea? You could lose yourself in various satires and comedies and this way hold enjoyable discussions for a while.

Fortunately, the communication science does not function in this manner, it is value-neutral. So I hope, of course, although I am a man that the female readers will benefit equally from the knowledge of human communication. I would certainly take the trouble to do my best, although it is not always easy. In principle, both men and women can get, "what they deserve".

After all, so much is granted: hardly any other field of human communication has such a variety of forms, variations, characteristics and curiosities, as the relationship between a man and a woman. If we look at the types of conflict throughout human history, we will with all likelihood discern that the "disputes" based on sex differences are probably the oldest dating way back to the origins of our humanity, not to mention Adam and Eve.
The question is however: Do there conflicts arise due to „determining that „men and women are different, or are they due to the different ways of communicating?
Moreover, how can solutions be found? Can any solutions be found at all? OK, already the question is already delicate. I see that.
But even a first superficial glance shows us that we are dealing with obviously two very different systems. ...

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How we influence - what works Influence

Dhould we want to influence a person (in what sense whatsoever), we have in the course of a communication process to turn the focus of our full attention to the (possible) messages on the emotional level, i.e. the order of the second degree. The object itself is in the course of a communication process only serves as a starting point, or impetus for the creation of realities. At least since Kant and Einstein, we know that a world-wide, objective reality can not be proved. The only reality that is important is that which is constructed with our communication partner. And that's where it gets difficult, because we ourselves are in turn also subject to the same rules. We are ourselves on the one hand part of systems, and on the other creators of our own individual realities. And also with the same mechanisms apply that protect and defend our reality.

As soon as we communicate, we find ourselves "trapped“how, where, when and with whomever in a (temporary) system, namely that of the communication taking place.

What would nevertheless still be a possible solution?

In order to understand and influence reality and thus the "real" desires, fears, needs, opinions, views our communication partner, we must first recognize it. However our own system in turn often prevents us from achieving this that unfortunately all too often knows how to protect in the same manner against other systems. As we have seen based on a few examples, systems that entail few or no rules for the change of their own rules can only be influenced from the outside. What remains as the only solution, is the strategy of extricating oneself from the respective communications system, in order to be able to operate from the outside. ...

Should we want to influence human behavior, we must step out of the particular communication system.

I have already made you aware of this - but now we will focus our attention to the possible application in interpersonal relationships.

That this is not simple is obvious. If it were easy, there would be few difficulties or problems in interpersonal relationships. We would always wonderfully have the upper hand and constantly be certain that everything we think is always tantamount to our truth ascription.

We see in connection with human behavior two fundamentally different questions, which in their nature in turn create a different world view: The first issue is "why" something is the way it is. Well, as I said, we will leave the "why" to the psychologists, therapists and psychiatrists of this world. ... We will focus our attention solely on the what’s and wherefore’s.
We as such therefore pose an entirely different question. ...